lump

Found a lump...scared, terrified, don't really know if that covers it. Calling the doctor tomorrow...wish now I hadn't skipped that last appointment. Karma?

Step into my parlor

I'm trying on this mysterious, behind-the-scenes, Black Widow spinning her web thing and while it may seem completely incongruous to people who know me, the people who really know me are saying "wth?"
The only thing I can't figure out is what I'm spinning for. Am I trying to ensnare someone? And if I am, who? The web has many radials, many paths and I am just trying to find the one that gives my heart peace.
You can't catch what you already have, you can't find out what you already know, you can't travel the twisted road the same way every time.

It's Sunday Morning

It was weigh day...only down a couple of pounds. I'm really disappointed but I'll try harder next two weeks. My clothes are really loose so that should be a better indicator, but I would really like to see the scale go down more.
Let's see, the week in a nutshell:
work, work, work, got grumpy and pissy and almost wrecked important things, got over it, made nice and then got the fright of my life. But everything turned out okay, thank God. Sometimes being really scared puts things in perspective. You think about what matters, what doesn't and how sometimes its confusing about which is which.
I know what is important--the simple grocery list of things that everyone says and believes and I believe it too. My family is important, my health is becoming more important and such things like that. My family is the MOST important thing to me. BUT...there is always the but. Something missing that I can't quite put my finger on.
Any thoughts?

I need to breathe

I’m just sitting here getting angrier and angrier. It feels like sitting in front of a fire. No matter where I turn, that side gets warm too. No, maybe its more like walking into a pool of water. If I keep walking, more of me gets wet, but if I stand still, I’m still not dry because I’m still in the water. Or maybe it’s like induced childbirth. The pain keeps hitting you, you can’t get on top of the contractions because they started out too big and the painkiller doesn’t work.
Evidently the band-aid that I’ve slapped on my broken brain is only good for minor scrapes and boo boos. It can’t handle PMS, family pressure, stress, constant waves of disappointment and worry coupled with my normal malfunctioning synapses.
Its not so much not being in my happy place as being in the dark place. Deep down in the dark desperate black. The black that has that angry red tone when exposed to the light. The dark that sends me looking for a closet with a door that can shut out all the light and noise and smells and the business of life. I’m too old for a closet now, it would just look weird, but today I need to be removed from people. People suck and I don’t want them around me, no matter who they are. This next remark should not be taken to heart by the people who think that it doesn’t pertain to them: people suck; even the best most wonderful people in the world are manipulative using the love and care and devotion and loyalty in others to satisfy their own means and ends.
I love my family and friends but right now I just wish I were free of the constant outside bombardment of need and justification and secrecy and relief. It’s a physical thing that tires me and wears me down to the ground. I need to breathe.

Starting over

I am going to start blogging here instead of Myspace, coz apparently I am buying in to the drama and actually probably prolonging it. The way I see it, if that whore comes looking for a blog here, she deserves what she reads, don't you agree?
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I had returned. I'll start adding baby pictures and news updates and all the snatch info you can stand.
Love you!

Oh what fun it wasn't

So I get to Mudfest Friday afternoon after a freaking disappointing day only to find no one answering their phone to tell me where the campsite was. I finally found it by myself (I'm self sufficient) and waited an hour or so for them to come back and get me.
Well when RD and I went back to where the group was, guess who I noticed were dressed in matching t-shirts? That's right, RD and HRH. It was so cute I could have puked. Then the little clique joined forces and it was bff and HRH at the cool kid table, with Sharon sitting over by the loser's wall. Wah wah wah.... I know. Then, while bff and HRH were off on the cool kids 4-wheeler ride, RD, Dee, random man (bff's husband) and I were left in camp. I guess with that much supervision it was okay. All I could manage if I had wanted was to eye-fuck him and I didn't really want to. He's tainted you know. Anyway, I was doing my thing (can't remember what it was)and all of a sudden I hear Dee say something to RD about keeping his pie-hole closed about him to HRH and RD asking Dee did they need to step away and have a conversation. I thought to myself, 'Self, what an auspicious beginning to a effed up weekend." I guess they dropped it, you know how men are. Dee walked by me shortly after with this weird smile on his face and I leaned over and whispered, 'have you lost your gd mind?" He just kept smiling, so apparently, yes, yes he had. The cool girls came back to camp and had their little frozen fruity drinks in a blender just for them...I drank Smirnoff Ice. Apparently, it makes me really concious of peoples manners. But I digress.
Things were going okay, spoke to Dee a little-not much, didn't want him to get in trouble, you know how I am with the hooker vibe/siren voice thing. Anyway, off Dee goes on his four wheeler only to come zooming by a little while later with some random skank on the back of his ATV. To make a long story short, it did not go over well with Her Royal Majesty, the Queen. He came back and she started screaming at him about disrespect and so forth. He started yelling back at her about "you want to know about disrespect?" At that time, I was expecting him to point his finger at Roddy and say 'you bring your effing boyfriend around me all the time and wave him under my nose and I'm disrepectful?', but tragically, he didn't. Cowardice, alas I know you well. So then he storms off in his truck to disappear until about 3 in the morning. During this time, no one checked on him very often which pissed me off, because I was worried sick.
Also, I had made chili the night before to have for the whole camp. We had discussed it a few days ahead of time, so everyone knew I was making chili. Do you know that those two women brought something else so that they wouldn't have to eat my chili? Is that petty and childish or what?
Anyway, the next morning we all woke up and Dee had his head about 3 foot up HRH's ass all day until today. She's got him roped in pretty good. He won't have another independent thought or show his backbone again for a good 3 months now, he's so fucking scared of her mouth. Did I mention that whenever I got within 4 feet of him, either he would walk off or she would head in our direction? This will all turn out to be my fault for some reason. And I was the one minding my own business.
To think, I played nice for 3 weeks or longer so that RD and Dee could go to mudfest with the group. I am a fricking stupid cow.
So I couldn't sleep last nite, I'm lying awake for hours trying to come up with the exact thing that I was going to say to her, and because I have this overwelming sense of decency or cowardice (take your pick)I let the opportunity slide by me again. And if I know my enemy well, I won't get this opportunity ever again.
So that was my rotten assed weekend, how was yours?

No Rest for the Wicked

Day #5 of the New Leaf Turning... still turned, but blowing around merrily in the breeze.

I have committed to going the Scrappers Dream Vacation in Orlando next weekend. I won't be able to go as much as I wanted to, but next year I'll plan a little better. There's another crop coming up at the end of September over in Ft. Pierce--I'll go there as well. Andddddd, there's another one in November in Orlando that I am planning to go to as well. I'm going to try to find a roomie who doesn't snore. Wish me luck on that one.

I think for the crop next weekend, I will finally start on Allyson's wedding album. They say you should have a plan, so that one is mine. I think I will also scrap the Speckled Perch/family reunion pages as well to mix it up a little. I'm also planning on taking some Christmas cards to work on. I should stay busy and not get bored, don't you think? I had an idea to do some lunchboxes for homecoming. I will probably try to make them look a little like the mum corsages that we used to have back in the day with plenty of ribbons, footballs, purple and gold and try to find some brahma die cuts. Yeh, that's going to happen.

Grady came over for a little while today and he wore me out a skoosh. I'm not as young as I would like to be. I took him shoe shopping - he never seems to have any that currently fit-- and I also bought him (me) a monkey backpack/leash. Yes, I'm going to parade my grandson around the park tomorrow on a leash. That just goes to show that you should never say never.

Enough for now, I think I am going to order photos for next weekend. I'll blog at ya'll later.