So here's the picture

Okay, here are the infamous tube top and party hair pictures....I don't want to hear ONE negative word, do you hear me, Laura Beth? I think I was pretty fetching, personally!

Dieting- the X-rated version

DISCLAIMER: I am going to use very bad words in the following blog...read at your ownrisk!

I HATE fucking salad! I hate fucking chicken! I am so tired of shittin' assed chicken and salad I could puke! I'm going to start shitting feathers, I've eaten so much fucking chicken!!!!!!! I'm fucking TIRED of being on a diet. Why the hell am I trying to lose weight? Oh, I know all the bullshit about being healthy, loving yourself and all that crap but I want french fries...and a cookie...and ice cream...and a glass of sweet tea! Oh, oh, and I want a fried burrito and pretzels with sour cream...and another cookie!

***The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. ~Author Unknown Aint that the fricking truth?

***One should eat to live, not live to eat. ~Cicero, I'm thinking if you aren't enjoying what you eat, living gets kind of crappy too, you know?

***In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and cahins. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale. ~Stephen Phillips And that lying piece of shit said 3 pounds--only 3 pounds in 10 days....what's the freaking point?

***Reality check: you can never, ever, use weight loss to solve problems that are not related to your weight. At your goal weight or not, you still have to live with yourself and deal with your problems. You will still have the same husband, the same job, the same kids, and the same life. Losing weight is not a cure for life. ~Phillip C. McGraw Okay, so maybe I was trying to lose weight for the wrong reasons, but at least they were GOOD reasons (to me anyway), but now that I've been convinced to do it for me, my hearts just not in it anymore, you know?

***The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly Evidently, my purpose sucks or I just haven't established it properly

***If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution. ~Author Unknown I know, I know what the problem is, but I could beat it down with french fries, I just know I could!

***Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown Sigh, I know this is true...my new size is a 12 down from an 18W, so it DOES make me happy...I still want a cookie

***Food is like sex: when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. ~Beth McCollister Yeh, nuff said

All this aside, I stick to my eat regimen, even with people ordering McDonalds and Dales BBQ and onion rings and clam chowder all around me...and I lift my little weights and I drink my water and I eat 3 times a day whether I want to or not....

...and I walk everyday even when I don't want to. I walk in rain, sun, haze, heat, wind, humidity, everything but pitch black downpours. When I'm being argumentative with myself (like I am above) and think I should lose more weight considering how much I walk, I have to stop and remember that its not just the physical aspects of walking that lure me, but that great quiet quality time with myself and my psyche which makes it sooo worth it. So I will continue to watch what I eat so that I can walk longer and faster and more often--that part I really do do for me.

Thoughts come clearly while one walks. ~Thomas Mann

Happy again today

So I'm happy again today...it's crazy, I know. Why am I happy? I'm not sure, but good conversations, lots of laughs, and tons of the warm fuzzies probably had a lot to dowith it. Sometimes I know what a lucky girl I am. I feel loved and cherished and appreciated....that really rocks!
So here's to my manic period--may it last for more than a day!
Guess what? I've been married almost 22 years...yay, me, talk about giving it the old grad school try!
Oh, here's a pic of the straight hair and glasses. Being a child of the 80s, its hard to have straight hair. I feel naked without big hair and 2 pounds of Aqua Net, but folks seem to dig it and I don't have to look at me, so there you go.

Some days

Today is a day that I am happy. Occasionally I am deliriously happy for moments. I had a day like that today. Sometimes laughter will do that for me and I laughed quite a bit. Thank you for that, btw. :-)

Good hair day! Straight as a stick hair coupled with my glasses (which I don't like myself in), somehow I have apparently hit a good look for myself. Who knew? I don't rally like it but what are you going to do?

Enough about that...

I Need to Remember...

I went scrapbooking yesterday and it was great. There was only a moment or 5 where it wasn't too much fun, but I put it behind me, decided I would deal with it later and move on. I got four pages done...yes, me. I was there about 9 hours altogether, so thats pretty good for me.





I have had to make a harsh decision that's going to sting like crazy for probably a very long time, but I have to do it. I've spent a very large part of my life thinking I needed to change, that I wasn't good enough or whatever, but I had worked through it for the most part...now I've allowed myself to start believing it again. And for what? Nothing positive, that's for sure. Nothing like being hit in the face with a wet salmon to get the point. Pray for me to have the strength to carry through on this, because it's like crack...it really is.
I'll remember what's important, keep it ahead of me like some kind of talisman and say, NO, that's enough....
So here's to the important things in my life

grandbabies, my children, my family, my few friends, and my health

I need to remember that life's only fun and games for the people without any conscience, that I am a responsible adult and enough is enough

Starting a new week

So it was weigh day and I only went down 1.5 pounds. I guess that's better than gaining weight, but I wish it would come off faster. I won't get discouraged, I'll keep walking and so forth and I will be successful. Besides, if I lose 1.5 pounds every 2 weeks, I will be goal weight by my birthday and that's all that matters. I might not be able to pull of the Nurse Feelgood costume for Halloween. I'll have to come up with something else. Here's an idea I had, what do ya'll think?
Lord, I apologize, I'll try to be better tomorrow...
Anyway, here's to turning over new leaves, counting my blessings (thank you, Lord, for my health and to the rest of you for your prayers)and being content with the battles I've won and acceptance of a war I never can and no longer want to.

Just a laid back day

Finally slept almost all night...woke up at 5:30, yay! Too bad I had to take Sominex to do it. Laid around, watched tv movies, gamed a little, rested a lot. Josh and Allyson took us out to lunch which was good, but I don't think weigh day is going to be a success tomorrow. Oh, well, time to do a u-turn and get back to the healthy way of eating.

I'm striking the d-word from my vocabulary. That would be 'diet' to you and me. I'm just going to eat healthy and continue exercising. It will come off slowly, but it WILL come off. I got a jump start with Atkins, but that's no way to eat for the rest of my life. I'm choosing a 10-20-30 approach (kind of like the Zone), gonna watch the calories in, calories out thing, walk at least 30 minutes a day, do some free weights a couple of times a week, take my vitamins, journal my food intake and drink plenty of water. Be healthy and everything else will fall into place, right?
I'm bored and I need snuggles. Wonder what it be like to have someone hug me everyday and kiss me goodbye or hello or for any dumb reason at all? Considering my touchlessness, I would probably hate it. Yeh, I'll keep telling myself that. Maybe then my life won't seem so grim. It's hard to believe I've been married almost 22 years. That doesn't seem so long until you have had to live it. That's not fair, I guess. It hasn't always been bad...or that bad for all that. Certain memories like when Allyson was born, or our 1st trip to Estero Island or sledding on an air mattress in Missouri...good times.
The sad part is that as lonely and alone and sad as I am, he probably is too. There's a song that goes "there was this woman and there was this man and there was this moment they had a chance to hold on to what they had"...guess we just never had enough to try to hold on to. Sad, desperately, terribly sad.