Starting a new week

So it was weigh day and I only went down 1.5 pounds. I guess that's better than gaining weight, but I wish it would come off faster. I won't get discouraged, I'll keep walking and so forth and I will be successful. Besides, if I lose 1.5 pounds every 2 weeks, I will be goal weight by my birthday and that's all that matters. I might not be able to pull of the Nurse Feelgood costume for Halloween. I'll have to come up with something else. Here's an idea I had, what do ya'll think?
Lord, I apologize, I'll try to be better tomorrow...
Anyway, here's to turning over new leaves, counting my blessings (thank you, Lord, for my health and to the rest of you for your prayers)and being content with the battles I've won and acceptance of a war I never can and no longer want to.

Just a laid back day

Finally slept almost all night...woke up at 5:30, yay! Too bad I had to take Sominex to do it. Laid around, watched tv movies, gamed a little, rested a lot. Josh and Allyson took us out to lunch which was good, but I don't think weigh day is going to be a success tomorrow. Oh, well, time to do a u-turn and get back to the healthy way of eating.

I'm striking the d-word from my vocabulary. That would be 'diet' to you and me. I'm just going to eat healthy and continue exercising. It will come off slowly, but it WILL come off. I got a jump start with Atkins, but that's no way to eat for the rest of my life. I'm choosing a 10-20-30 approach (kind of like the Zone), gonna watch the calories in, calories out thing, walk at least 30 minutes a day, do some free weights a couple of times a week, take my vitamins, journal my food intake and drink plenty of water. Be healthy and everything else will fall into place, right?
I'm bored and I need snuggles. Wonder what it be like to have someone hug me everyday and kiss me goodbye or hello or for any dumb reason at all? Considering my touchlessness, I would probably hate it. Yeh, I'll keep telling myself that. Maybe then my life won't seem so grim. It's hard to believe I've been married almost 22 years. That doesn't seem so long until you have had to live it. That's not fair, I guess. It hasn't always been bad...or that bad for all that. Certain memories like when Allyson was born, or our 1st trip to Estero Island or sledding on an air mattress in Missouri...good times.
The sad part is that as lonely and alone and sad as I am, he probably is too. There's a song that goes "there was this woman and there was this man and there was this moment they had a chance to hold on to what they had"...guess we just never had enough to try to hold on to. Sad, desperately, terribly sad.

Things men never say and really should

1. "I'll take care of it..."

2. "Your hair looks nice..." it should NEVER be preceded by the words "What did you do?" or said in a smart-assed way to point out that you weren't listening.

3. "Here, let me do that"...doesn't count if it in relationship to running the remote control, drive, roll a doob, you know...manly stuff

4. "You look tired, let me ___________" (fill in the blank)

5. "Your butt looks really good in those jeans"

6. "I'm going to give you a break and let you relax: (laughing hysterically only hurts their feelings so try and resist... you and I know its going to take Go-Jo and SOS pads to clean up afterward, but hey, he did try)

7. "I saw this and thought of you..." (this should never involve cleaning equipment, porn or anything to do with pickled sausage)

8. "I heard a song on the radio and it made me miss/think/dream of you" (if this is followed by the song "Crazy Bitch" played at maximum volume, punch him in the nards and then stomp off)

9. "You look nice today" WARNING: if this is immediately followed by a request for noggin, it's null and void.

10. "I'm such a lucky man" - doesn't count if he's referring to the lottery, fishing or scoring side tang.

I am tired of waiting

I am tired of waiting and planning and deciding and preparing. I want my future now! I want to know what is going on with my boob, my life, my love and all that good crap. I want to know... I don't want 262 more days of waiting and frustration and pain. I want to be done...just not "done". I don't feel as if I have really lived my life yet and that makes me sad and angry and disappointed in myself. I'm not going to start making bargains and deals and resolutions if I am healthy, but I am going to make some choices in the next few weeks. A very good friend told me I was tough and could stick it out, but I think that's just a cop out for me. What to do, what to do?

lump

Found a lump...scared, terrified, don't really know if that covers it. Calling the doctor tomorrow...wish now I hadn't skipped that last appointment. Karma?

Step into my parlor

I'm trying on this mysterious, behind-the-scenes, Black Widow spinning her web thing and while it may seem completely incongruous to people who know me, the people who really know me are saying "wth?"
The only thing I can't figure out is what I'm spinning for. Am I trying to ensnare someone? And if I am, who? The web has many radials, many paths and I am just trying to find the one that gives my heart peace.
You can't catch what you already have, you can't find out what you already know, you can't travel the twisted road the same way every time.

It's Sunday Morning

It was weigh day...only down a couple of pounds. I'm really disappointed but I'll try harder next two weeks. My clothes are really loose so that should be a better indicator, but I would really like to see the scale go down more.
Let's see, the week in a nutshell:
work, work, work, got grumpy and pissy and almost wrecked important things, got over it, made nice and then got the fright of my life. But everything turned out okay, thank God. Sometimes being really scared puts things in perspective. You think about what matters, what doesn't and how sometimes its confusing about which is which.
I know what is important--the simple grocery list of things that everyone says and believes and I believe it too. My family is important, my health is becoming more important and such things like that. My family is the MOST important thing to me. BUT...there is always the but. Something missing that I can't quite put my finger on.
Any thoughts?

I need to breathe

I’m just sitting here getting angrier and angrier. It feels like sitting in front of a fire. No matter where I turn, that side gets warm too. No, maybe its more like walking into a pool of water. If I keep walking, more of me gets wet, but if I stand still, I’m still not dry because I’m still in the water. Or maybe it’s like induced childbirth. The pain keeps hitting you, you can’t get on top of the contractions because they started out too big and the painkiller doesn’t work.
Evidently the band-aid that I’ve slapped on my broken brain is only good for minor scrapes and boo boos. It can’t handle PMS, family pressure, stress, constant waves of disappointment and worry coupled with my normal malfunctioning synapses.
Its not so much not being in my happy place as being in the dark place. Deep down in the dark desperate black. The black that has that angry red tone when exposed to the light. The dark that sends me looking for a closet with a door that can shut out all the light and noise and smells and the business of life. I’m too old for a closet now, it would just look weird, but today I need to be removed from people. People suck and I don’t want them around me, no matter who they are. This next remark should not be taken to heart by the people who think that it doesn’t pertain to them: people suck; even the best most wonderful people in the world are manipulative using the love and care and devotion and loyalty in others to satisfy their own means and ends.
I love my family and friends but right now I just wish I were free of the constant outside bombardment of need and justification and secrecy and relief. It’s a physical thing that tires me and wears me down to the ground. I need to breathe.

Starting over

I am going to start blogging here instead of Myspace, coz apparently I am buying in to the drama and actually probably prolonging it. The way I see it, if that whore comes looking for a blog here, she deserves what she reads, don't you agree?
Anyway, just wanted you to know that I had returned. I'll start adding baby pictures and news updates and all the snatch info you can stand.
Love you!