Dear Dad...

Dear Dad,
Its been a really long time since I felt the need to write you, so you can probably imagine how things are. Just like when you used to be here, you generally heard from me more often when things were crappy. Isn’t that weird? I guess I just needed somebody to lean on and you were perfect for that. You weren’t a real lovey-dovey guy—except with the grandbabies—but you listened, mulled over, considered and then summed up whatever issue we were having in one of your oft used but always appropriate clichés:
1) “Sharon Denise, you got to be smarter than the shit you’re working with”. This worked for calculators, hand tools, cars etc. It generally followed news of an owie I got peeling potatoes or changing a tire or a checking mistake because I didn’t balance correctly,
2) “Sharon Denise, do you go there for love or money?” This was your standard response to any work place lament. Always summed it up pretty quickly and put things in perspective.
3) “Sharon Denise, that person isn’t gonna amount to shit in a chicken’s backyard in 5 years, so why do you care?” My favorite answer of all time, coz this was your take on so and so being mean to me, or so and so stealing my boyfriend, or so and so winning a prize that should have been mine, which brings us to…
4) Sharon Denise, life is not, never has been and never will be fair and anyone who tells you different is a g** damn lie and if you’re dumb enough to believe them, then you get what you deserve. Ah, Daddy, you tender-hearted thing you
5) “Sharon Denise, you came from these loins (insert slightly obscene gesture here) so I know you ain’t as stupid as you’re being right now. No child of mind can be that g** damned dumb.” I beg to differ with you, Dad. On more than one occasion, Trey, Kenny, Laura Beth and myself can all vouch personally and for each other that yes, yes we can be that g** damned dumb.
6) “Suck it up, baby, it’ll only hurt for a minute” I’m trying Dad, I’m trying
7) “Sharon Denise, you’re grown and you make your own decisions, but remember you have to live with the fall out”. When you said it like that, I always started rethinking, coz I never found the term “fall out” a particular comforting one.
8) “That Mickey Mouse mother f*cker, tell me again how he’s relevant? Waste of f*cking skin”…sometimes I wish I didn’t see people with your eyes, Dad. Mom says that LB and I are Rose Red and Snow White, as different as night and day. LB got the ‘everyone is wonderful and good down deep’ mind set and I’ve got the ‘everyone sucks ass and blows’ thing. But my problem? I really want them to be good, I want to see the best and believe all the good that I CAN see in them. I see all this wonderful potential and I think that’s what infuriates me most. The sheer unadulterated waste of a human being. But every time I try to give someone the benefit of the doubt, you know what happens. I know you say the only person you can trust is yourself, but that’s a hard way to live, Daddy. Especially when the only person I can trust is me…that’s a laugh! I’ll screw things up for myself in a heartbeat.
I’ve told so many people how you were my compass, Dad, my own magnetic North that pointed me in the right direction whether I chose to follow it or not. I don’t know if its from leaning on you forever, or the whole Aquarian ambiguous way of dancing to my own drummer or just a faulty cog in the works, but I can’t seem to find my way at all. I just follow the shiniest, clearest star I see. Nine times out of ten, it’s just a plane. I lack purpose, Dad, and now that the girls are grown and don’t need me as much and the empty nest is looming, I’m running out of reasons to be. I know, everyone says I’m still young enough do all kind of things, that 40’s the new 30 or some such bullshit. No, 40 is halfway to death. I don’t know what I want, Dad, I just know I want…something.
I know, I know, cry you a river. I’ll get over the blues and blahs, coz I don’t have much choice. I am going to see LB in a few days (you probably already know that) so that should fix me up for a bit. I’m cleaning out my stuff, kind of weeding things out. I actually even cleaned my room, Dad. Hey, that’s not nice! I didn’t know angels were allowed to be smart asses. My New Year’s resolution is that if my stuff won’t haul in one load, I have too much stuff. I’m getting rid of the small, the large, the old and the very unnecessary. Wish me resolve, coz you know I have a tendency to hang on to things out of nostalgia, not because I need it or its useful.
Sorry this isn’t much of a letter, Dad, just a list of things I’m trying to remember today as I watch the sands running down the hourglass. One more day this side of the dirt, woot woot, as Roddy would say.
I miss you to pieces,
Sharon Denise

P.S. By the way, where did you hide my tape this time? I wish you’d quit doing that, it’s aggravating.

“You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times,
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you,
But the reason why I’m broken,
The reason why I cry,
Is how long must I wait to be with you?
I close my eyes and I see your face, if home’s where my heart is
Then I’m out of place,
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow?
I’ve never been more homesick than now”
“Homesick” by Mercy Me